The Best World Cup Uniforms

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The list of things in my life that I do once every four years is small. But the list does exist.

(As a bonus, let's rank those things: 1. Cheer for USA in the summer Olympics; 2. Cheer for USA in the winter Olympics; 3. Cheer for USA in the World Cup; 4. Actually organize the garage; 5. Get completely confused when February 29 exists.

Notable item that did not make the list: Vote in the presidential election. I love America — see the top 3 above — and I take my responsibility to vote very seriously. But it still stresses me trying to fight crowds and get to work late. So the satisfaction of a pristine garage and an extra day win out.)

But today isn't about presidential elections or the Olympic rings. It's about No. 3 on that list — the World Cup.

Admittedly, I'm not a soccer fan. At least not for 1,422 out of every 1,461 days. (Are you impressed I remembered to account for the leap year that confused me earlier?)

But during the World Cup, everything changes. Strip away the politics, the peacocking, the corruption, and the controversy, and you're left with something beautiful. The world's most popular sport, played on a global stage.

You get the stars of the sport playing for their home country. You get the underdogs (Did you see Cape Verde draw with Spain!?). And you get the kits.

Kits are uniforms, if you weren't aware — of course you were aware, but just in case.

The World Cup is also a global fashion competition. Nobody admits this. I will.

And today, I'm here to rank the unifor— the kits.

A collar on a kit!? Is this normal?

(Yes, it seems like there are quite a few collared kits. However, remember I am only a fan for 39 days every four years, so cut me some slack. And before you send me mean comments, let me get the first jab – I bet you call it "fútbol," too.)

I think a collar in any sport other than golf is a bold choice and I'll reward that for France’s home kit.

Lavender all day, baby.

The color is bold, the design is intricate, and the whole thing somehow works. South Korea's away kit is the kind of jersey that pairs bold with classy.

The only reason it's not top three? Lavender isn't an official color of South Korea. And this week, we're giving the podium to teams that did the most with what they had to work with. Love the kit – just didn't play by the rules that live in my head.

Old Glory, waving at her finest.

If you described the U.S. home kit to me before I saw it, I'd have said it sounds cartoonish and cliché. A jersey that looks like a waving American flag? Sure. Very subtle, Nike.

But here's the thing — I actually love it. It takes the classic striped look you'd expect from a soccer kit and layers in a national symbol without it feeling like a costume. It earns what it's trying to do. We're co-hosting this tournament. Might as well dress like it. ‘Merica.

This is what we're talking about. Nice work, Umbro.

National colors? Check. Extra flair? Zebra stripes woven into the design. And they look awesome against that blue. Congo DR took their identity, leaned into it, and came out looking like a team with something to prove.

Congo, you'd be my underdog rooting interest based on these home kits alone. Except...

The Ivory Coast’s away kits have it all.

The country's colors. The flora. The fauna. And, of course, elephants. When your team is called the Elephants, you have a responsibility — a duty, even — to put elephants on the uniform. Ivory Coast understood the assignment.

The design is rich, the details reward a second look, and it manages to feel both proud and fun at the same time. And maybe it's because I'm a Rickie Fowler fan, but seeing that Puma logo on a kit this good doesn't hurt either.

Ivory Coast wins the fashion show. The actual tournament is a separate competition.

Everyone loves Japan’s away kit. Every ranking. Every publication. Japan #1, Japan best kit, Japan "Colours Beyond the Horizon."

Here's my honest take: Where's the pizzazz? The rainbow stripe is different, and I actually like it. But it's subtle. Understated. More art installation than iconic jersey. I respect what they were going for. I just don't feel it. Give me zebra stripes and elephants over a design I have to squint at to appreciate.

Austria is calling the color splotches "veins." That's their official position.

I'll call it what it is: tie-dye. And I am completely on board with tie-dye. My only note — own it. Go all-in. If you're going tie-dye at the World Cup, you don't get to call it "veins" and act sophisticated about it. Commit to the chaos. Austria almost made the list. The branding hesitation held them back.

If you want to see all the kits from this year’s World Cup, ESPN does have them all pictured. But their rankings are extremely wrong (though they did get the U.S. take correct).

Don’t agree? Hit reply. Make your case. Best "Why I'm Right" email gets featured right here next week.

This week’s ranking idea actually came from a reader. He noted Japan (wrong), Curaçao (I’ll allow it), Argentina (wrong), South Korea (correct) and Austria (it’s tie-dye) as his favorites.