The Best Fast Food Burgers

Last Tuesday I was in a drive-through at lunch, staring at a menu I've seen a thousand times, and I realized something: I have very strong opinions about this. Not just today. Always. And it’s not just limited to this burger joint.

I’ve never met something I’m unwilling to rank. It doesn’t matter if I’m an expert in the subject matter or if it’s completely off the wall – I will rank it. I have strong opinions on what coffee lid a gas station carries, the shape and density of a whiskey glass, the weather apps on my phone, the 12th best player on a mid-major college basketball team.

The fact is that everything in existence falls somewhere in a ranking. Whether it’s the best, the worst, or even the most mid (which, I guess, is the best at being mid?).

So, as I stared at the drive-through board, deep down I think I knew what I needed to do. Start a newsletter. Because that’s what people do now adays if they have strong opinions about important things.

And while I refuse to ever rank anything truly important on my platform, I will commit to ranking things that make you laugh, things that make you irrationally angry, or things that inspire you to think deeper about the everyday decisions you make.

From the toothpaste you use to the books you read your children, let’s rank things.

For our first edition, we’re jumping into controversy. Fast food burgers. The item that brought me into that drive-through that day. Why was I there? Why did I choose that burger? It doesn’t taste the best. It’s not the cheapest. But the cost-to-taste ratio is spot on.

So the ground rules for today: I'm ranking the burger. Not the nuggets, not the shake, not the ambiance. The burger. That said — and I'll die on this hill — a burger without fries is a cry for help. So the full experience matters. Cost-to-taste ratio matters. The ability to get one on a Tuesday in a mid-size American city matters.

Let's get into it.

Look, I know. I know it's "fancy." I know it costs $14 and comes in a paper bag that feels more expensive than it is. I don't care. The ShackBurger is the best fast food burger on the planet and if you disagree you're wrong and I'd like to have that conversation. The blend, the sauce, the bun-to-patty ratio — it's all exactly right. This is the burger other burgers are trying to be.

Five Guys gets credit for something almost nobody does anymore: they make it the way you want it, they pile it high, and they never make you feel bad about asking for extra. The fries — fresh cut, dropping out of the bag onto your passenger seat — are also doing serious work for the overall experience. This is a legitimate #1 on a different day.

There's a Steak 'n Shake inside the Southpoint Hotel in Las Vegas. I learned what time they opened because it's the same time I returned from the night out. IYKYK.

The Steakburger is thin, smashed, a little crispy on the edges, and absolutely does not get the respect it deserves in this conversation. At $5 the cost-to-taste ratio is nearly unmatched. The only reason this isn't higher is that finding a Steak 'n Shake that's actually open and fully operational has become something of a regional treasure hunt. But when you find one? It's still there for you. Just like Vegas.

Full disclosure: if you're not from the Midwest, you may not know what a Runza is. A Runza — the sandwich — is a baked dough pocket filled with beef and cabbage. It is its own thing and it is not what I'm talking about. What I am talking about is the burger they serve at Runza restaurants, which is genuinely excellent and almost never mentioned in these conversations because everyone outside Nebraska is too busy asking "wait, what's a Runza?" Just trust me. If you see one, stop.

Here's the thing about Burger King: it shouldn't work. The locations look like they were built in 1987 and haven't had a full renovation since. The drive-through is always an adventure. And yet — the Whopper, at its price point, is one of the most honest burgers in the fast food game. Flame grilled. Bigger than it has any right to be for what you pay. The cost-to-taste ratio here is doing all the heavy lifting, and it earns the #5 spot entirely on the strength of that argument.

I didn't forget about McDonald's. I made a choice.

McDonald's puts raw onions on their standard cheeseburger. Those small, translucent, aggressively pungent little onions that no one ordered and no one wants. I spent 45 minutes picking them off my 4-year-old's burger — tiny, cold, clinging to the cheese like they paid for the spot — because McDonald's is apparently the only fast food restaurant on the planet that believes a toddler has strong opinions about alliums.

It's personal. I'm not over it.

I love In-N-Out. Genuinely. I have the stickers on the Yeti to prove it. The burger? Good. The experience? Iconic. But here's the thing — and this is a big but — the fries are bad.

Not "not my preference" bad. Bad bad.

Is this a burger ranking? Technically yes. Have you ever in your adult life seriously considered ordering a burger without fries? No. Because America. You can't separate them. The fries are part of the deal, and In-N-Out fries are letting the burger down.

Hit reply. Make your case. Best "Why I'm Right" email gets featured right here next week.

Next week I'm ranking something you've never thought to rank — but the second you see it, you'll realize you've had opinions about it your whole life.